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Transcript: Season 3 Episode 1: Institutionalized Shakedowns

Updated: Mar 6

A Knight of Shreds and Patches Transcript

Season 3 Episode 1: Institutionalized Shakedowns

Transcript by Cameron Robertson

Intro:[hurdy gurdy music begins]

Nick: Welcome, listeners, to A Knight of Shreds and Patches. An immersive actual play podcast. This episode features the talents of –

Penn: Penn Van Batavia as Marathon Messenger.

Kit: Kit Adames as Birdie Foundling.

Cameron: Cameron Robertson as Emma Blackwood.

Sydney: Sydney Whittington as Cassidy Shard.

Nick: Nick Robertson as GM and Narrator.

Sydney: Hello listeners, this is your editor, Sydney, with today’s messages:

Welcome to season three! We’ve got an exciting lineup for you today: action, adventure, gourmet recipes. Well, maybe not the last, but you won’t know until you suffer through this intro where I’ll graciously thank you for being here and being the pilot flames for our hot water heaters. You’re the best and our garage might explode from a gas leak without you. And if you want to really turn up the heat and steam up our bathrooms, consider backing our Patreon, which gives you access to bonus episodes, campfire conversations, and other fun rewards.

And with that, we wrap up today’s announcements and head into Season 3, Episode 1: Institutionalized Shakedowns.

“Join us, for now our tale to yours attaches

To carry hope: a Knight of Shreds and Patches.”

[hurdy gurdy music ends]

[electronic beeping]

[robotic powerup noise begins]

Distorted Robotic Voice: Power restored. Systems online. Reconfiguring audio connection.[robotic powerup noise fades to radio frequency static]

[over radio]

Cameron (as Emma): Last time on a Knight of Shreds and Patches, we continued on our never ending drive until we reached this big river that we had to take a ferry to cross - I think Marathon and Birdie made some new friends among the other passengers - they came back with snacks at least. Then once we settled down for the night, Birdie found out that one of her past flames was actually one of Cassidy's sisters which sounds like it was an incredibly awkward conversation that I am glad I wasn't there for. Most importantly though, I finished my repairs on the Knight and it works! The software still needs help, but we'll get Birdie's sister to help with that when we get to Sasna- - oh yeah, that's the other important thing - we found Sasnak.[radio static]

Episode Start:

Nick: We see a gigantic truck rolling through waist high golden grass; the rig, the conveyance of the Patina with a large cargo compartment big enough to carry its own vehicle. The front cab could seat five comfortably, but currently there are four members of the Patina riding in the rig. Where are you sitting and how do you look as you reach the next goal of your journey?

Sydney: Cassidy is sitting behind the wheel with an expression of expectation. She wasn't the one that had driven the rig onto Sasnak last time, but she had at least seen it, so she has an idea of what is to come and is already trying to make sure she remembers as much of the policies and procedures to not have to get upset about whatever random changes they're going to be doing. Cassidy is a wiry figure with defined muscles, especially on her arms and shoulders. She's got winding floral tattoos from her wrists up to her shoulders and starting to explore their way across her back. She's 5'5" or 5'6" with brownish coppery hair, currently in a long dutch braid down the back of her head and down her back down to her waist although it's tucked in as she's sitting down right now. There are a couple of local flowers threaded through the braid on the back of her head knowing that once they get on board, that's probably it for the flowers, at least without having to pilfer from gardens that are probably not for public use. She's got a thin scar through her right eyebrow and down onto her right cheek and various other smaller ones visible around the black tank top and khaki shorts that she's wearing. She's got a large revolver in a holster on her hip that's kind of a burnished gold color - still with a yellow tint, but not anything that's going to gleam across a town square. Cassidy does have both hands on the wheel. Her left arm maybe looks a little stiff, but it's hard to tell without a bunch of active driving but definitely the sling that she had on previously to make sure that the wound in her shoulder was able to heal has since come off and she's looking closer to full functionality again.

Kit: Behind Cassidy on the floor of the rig, Birdie is sitting cross legged with her arms up on the seat holding a small mirror in one hand and an eyeliner pencil in the other and is very delicately trying to line her under eye with this dark brown, almost black color. Birdie is a slight young woman with brown skin and slightly unkempt rust colored hair that through the summer months has been slowly highlighted into more orangeish hues. Her outfit has changed along with her hair for the summer as the Patina has traveled to slightly warmer climates as they continued south, and she now wears a leopard print top that exposes the large burn scar that she bears on her left shoulder, given that she had very recently made that part of her appearance to the Patina and is now more comfortable showing it off. She is visibly nervous and is bouncing one of her knees as she fiddles with more makeup. She pulls out a lip gloss, some mascara. She does poke herself in the eye once and has to start over. And overall she's changed a lot from when she first met the Patina which is relieving but simultaneously it's almost too much change to go back to a place where she was a much different person.

Penn: We pop over to the passenger seat where we see broad shoulders from the back and we see Marathon moving her hand up and down in the wind as the rig continues forward, leaning her head against the frame of the rig looking out of the side window. She's wearing a tight black T shirt, we can see from our vantage point, with the sleeves rolled up to look more like a muscle tee, and she's got bright red hair that used to be cut into a little bit of a cleaner mullet that is now turned into a shaggy mullet. The only thing keeping the hair out of her eyes right now is the wind from the window. As the wind whips, we can see a single cigarette tucked behind her ear. She is very much a more imposing figure compared to both Cassidy and Birdie. And as we take a closer look at her face, we can see that she has many scars all over very clean cut scars from a long career of ice derby, the premier sport in Treeall Mountain and one such scar that goes over her eye also reveals that she has one eye that is gone almost completely gray. She also has many piercings both on her eyebrow and her ears. As she grows bored with letting her hand fly through the breeze in the window, she leans back over into the cab of the rig to smirk at Birdie attempting to do makeup while Cassidy drives.

Cameron: Emma is seated behind Marathon. She's leaning up against the door a little bit and has her her right foot up on the seat so that her knee is up and she's rested her elbow against that and has a hand spread out wide across her forehead slightly into her hairline, holding all of her hair out of her face as the wind from the window is just blowing it all around as she's sitting here. She has the tablet that the group found when they were adventuring with Renn and Ciphera and is alternating between looking down and reading a book on this tablet and then glancing to Birdie looking mildly concerned with the number of bumps that the rig is taking while this eye makeup is being applied. She is, like Marathon wearing a black T shirt, it's quite tight, probably should have sized up one in the arms specifically and is wearing green cargo pants tucked into her normal boots and has a hip slash thigh bag on her left leg that is holding some of her tools and a small toolkit. Though she is holding her hair out of her face, you can see that it has gotten a bit longer and this needs to be held out of her face and probably should just be put up in a ponytail but she was determined not to have a ponytail today, so she's just suffering through it. Her hair's a light brown. She's about 5'8" and looks adorable.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Pretzel me, Marathon.

Sydney: Cassidy opens her mouth and keeps her eyes on the field but they're driving through.

Penn: Marathon deftly scoops up a bag of pretzels from the ground next to her feet and attempts to flick the pretzel like a coin into Cassidy's open mouth just like they practiced.

Penn (as Marathon): Here you go. I got a fresh one coming Miss Cassidy. Oop-

Sydney: Cassidy continues to have her mouth open, waiting for one to land.

Penn (as Marathon): Going for another? Round two?

Sydney: Cassidy looks over at Marathon to make sure that she can adjust.

Penn (as Marathon): Here here round two. Round two. Here you go. [sports noises]

Sydney: Cassidy moves her head grabs it and chews it looking back at the path that they're following.

Penn (as Marathon): Oh!

Sydney (as Cassidy): Perfect.

Penn (as Marathon): Man Cassidy you are so impressive with catching these pretzels.

Cameron (as Emma): How many pretzels are going to be on the floor up there after this?

Penn: Marathon peeks over next to Cassidy's feet on the pedals.

Penn (as Marathon): Um, you know, maybe like half a dozen? It's hard to tell they get kind of crunched.

Cameron (as Emma): Oh great.

Sydney (as Cassidy): We'll dump the floor mats out afterwards.

Penn (as Marathon): A easy solution. Birdie how's uh, how's gussying up back there? Who you uh, who are you expecting to see up there again?

Kit (as Birdie): Shhh. I'm concentrating.

Penn (as Marathon): Oop.

Kit: And she very carefully lining her other eye finally after she's finished cleaning up her crying eye from stabbing herself in the eye with a mascara wand.

Kit (as Birdie): [rushed and slightly giggly] I'm not - I am not getting ready for anyone at all, I am simply fine.

Kit: She's so clearly not fine.

Penn (as Marathon): Well, you just - I don't even think you have to point them out. You just do your high little voice thing whenever we meet somebody and I'll know when the wing woman you out.

Kit (as Birdie): I don't - I - I almost - you [please don't help me laugh]

Penn (as Marathon): Don't argue with results, that's all I'm saying. But yeah, so you're excited to get to Sasnak, right?

Kit (as Birdie): [nervous laugh] Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited. Mhm. [audible gulp]

Sydney (as Cassidy): So we're getting on board and we're gonna try and track down your sibling - guardian, Winifred.

Kit (as Birdie): Yep.

Sydney (as Cassidy): I'll also try and drop a line and see if we can get a hold of Gwen.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah. Yeah that would be smart.

Penn (as Marathon): Does your sister make fun of your makeup skills or something? Is that -

Kit (as Birdie): No.

Penn (as Marathon): No, there has to be has to be a has to be a crush or something, right?

Kit (as Birdie): No~.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Maybe it's psychological battle armor to make sure that she's as pretty as possible to go back home.

Penn (as Marathon): [noise of understanding] Like a battle paint.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Back to a former home.

Kit (as Birdie): It is a little bit Winifred. She taught me everything I know.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Wow. Everything about everything?

Kit (as Birdie): No, but just makeup.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Oh okay.

Cameron (as Emma): [laugh]

Kit (as Birdie): She's very, very good at makeup.

Penn (as Marathon): And apparently, technology computer stuff.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, she's good at everything.

Sydney (as Cassidy): She sounds cool. I'm sure we'll get all kinds of fancy whatever. She can fix all of our -

Sydney: Cassidy gestures towards the back of the rig.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah.

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah. Emma what's -

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah.

Penn (as Marathon): Emma and Birdie - what's the exact plan again? We're going to Sasnak. We're gonna get some supplies. Keep going on the road.

Cameron (as Emma): Mhm.

Kit (as Birdie): The plan?

Penn (as Marathon): Step one. Yeah. What's what's step two?

Cameron (as Emma): I mean, my goal is to hopefully get some assistance with the software parts of the Knight from Birdie's sister once we find her.

Kit (as Birdie): [stammering] Yeah~.

Cameron (as Emma): That's what I got.

Penn (as Marathon): Mhm.

Kit (as Birdie): I figured we - there's always work to be done on Sasnak. So if we needed to, we could take a job.

Penn (as Marathon): We're kind of flush though, right?

Kit (as Birdie): Uh. We are.

Penn (as Marathon): You stole everything from the Rust, yeah?

Sydney (as Cassidy): We don't we don't need it immediately.

Kit (as Birdie): Um~. Sasnak is weird. So Sasnak is - because of how touristy it is - it's more expensive than a normal city. It kind of expects people to come here and just spend money because that's all there is to do.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, the good news is because you robbed the Rust, we can just spend money for a little bit.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, but if you guys got bored at least, or you know, I wanted to get away from something.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, let's let's wait till we get there and then we can decide how much you need to flee right away.

Kit (as Birdie): Okay.

Penn (as Marathon): It's okay, Birdie. Birdie sticking with us. Birdie has reassured us.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah.

Penn: And Marathon turns around and gives a little mostly for herself, but a little fist pump towards Birdie.

Kit (as Birdie): Ha ha. Yeah, sorry. No, I I'm not gonna leave. I just -

Sydney (as Cassidy): We're here with you.

Kit (as Birdie): [voice getting a bit high] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are here with me. And you will be you here. Here with me. And -

Sydney (as Cassidy): And Marathon can be very intimidating for whoever those people are that you're scared of seeing.

Penn (as Marathon): It's true. I'll beat them up.

Kit (as Birdie): I'm not I'm not scared of seeing anyone. [most convincing sentence ever]

Penn: Marathon flexes her chest.

Kit (as Birdie): Stop doing that. That's weird. [laugh]

Penn (as Marathon): Sorry. [laugh]

Penn: Marathon slouches back forward.

Kit (as Birdie): I, it's - you guys - [under breath] I can't believe I'm saying this. I've embarrassed myself so much - [normal voice] So there's this group called the Ramp Girls that we're going to meet like, right as soon as we enter the city, and their whole thing is just that they're cool and hot. Okay? [laugh]

Penn (as Marathon): That's their whole thing?

Kit (as Birdie): Kind of.

Cameron (as Emma): [laughing] Surely they serve some larger purpose.

Sydney (as Cassidy): They're they're border control and -

Cameron (as Emma): Okay.

Penn (as Marathon): Oh, okay.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, but like also they're really cool and hot.

Penn (as Marathon): Cool hot border control. Okay.

Kit (as Birdie): And they're mean.

Cameron (as Emma): So you're making yourself more beautiful than you already are to be cool and hot as well?

Kit (as Birdie): Aww.

Penn (as Marathon): Birdie, why do you say they're mean? Like it's - hmm.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well we've seen Birdie's type and that sometimes is mean people.

Kit (as Birdie): [shock. betrayal.]

Penn (as Marathon): It's true.

Kit (as Birdie): [and up goes the voice] What?! This has nothing to do with my type. I - I -

Penn (as Marathon): Birdie -

Cameron (as Emma): Birdie -

Sydney: Cassidy has an eyebrow raised in the conversation mirror.

Cameron (as Emma): [concerned] Birdie?

Penn (as Marathon): Your lipstick is a little smudged, Birdie.

Kit (as Birdie): [voice still up there] Marathon~

Cameron (as Emma): You're doing the voice thing.

Kit (as Birdie): I - I- [clears throat and ends up much deeper than normal] I- I'm fine.

Cameron (as Emma): Very good. Very good control. Mhm.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well Birdie, you got probably five minutes left because -

Sydney: And Cassidy gestures out the front window.

Sydney (as Cassidy): We're starting to only be seeing Sasnak out the window now.

Kit (as Birdie): Okay. Okay, I have to just do my eyebrows. It's fine. It'll take me two seconds.

Penn (as Marathon): Oh, Cassidy - speaking of which - I was hoping to take take you out for a restaurant sometime here. What'd you think? While we're here?

Sydney (as Cassidy): Sure. Let's make sure we know where we're staying and everything first.

Penn (as Marathon): Well, yeah, yeah, I just mean eventually.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Sure.

Nick: As Cassidy said to you are getting closer to your goal. You can feel the seats of the rig rumbling under you. You've grown used to the feel of the large diesel engine that has gotten us so far, but this is different. Every part of you shakes as you drive forward and you realize the low roar as much louder than you are accustomed to. The gentle grumble of the rig has been replaced with a sound like the world being ground to dust. The entire cab of the rig begins to shake and you see the outside world dim as you enter the shadow of Sasnak Traveling.

A mobile city makes a lot of noise and a lot of impact. This close, you can see two massive treads, like a tank but hundreds of times bigger, the main propulsion of the city, but surprisingly, there are branches of smaller treads extending off of the main moving parts. You imagine it must be for extra support and shock absorption for the people living above but it makes it look like some sort of inverted mechanical tree more than anything else. Everywhere is noise and earthquaking motion and dark rusted metal. Looking up through the windshield you see a square of light and descending from above a huge metal ramp, ten times wider than the rig. The ramp stops several meters above the ground, but as you get closer, with a loud squeal that pierces the ambient rumble, the ramp lowers the rest of the way, digging a furrow into the earth and causing the rig to shake even more as it struggles forward through the rough earth and onto the ramp.

The noise and motion fall away as soon as the rigs tires hit the ramp. You can still faintly hear the cacophony you just came from but the peace is shocking after the sound of the city. There must be some sort of sound dampening to make it possible to work on the ramp or for that matter to live on the city at all. Up above, before the ramp climbs fully into the belly of Sasnak, you can see a checkpoint. There are several groups of people wearing dark blue jumpsuits, matching uniform hats or helmets, and rifles. They're standing behind a thick concrete barrier that rises to about shoulder height. With broad gestures, one of the groups directs the Patina and the rig to one of several gates in the concrete barrier. It's made of a metal pole stretched across an opening in the concrete, but combined with the number of guards, this place looks almost like a fortress. As you pull to a stop at the gate, one of these guards motions for you to roll down a window.

Sydney: We do so.

Kit: Birdie has scrambled back up into the seat at this point and is peering over Cassidy's shoulder, kind of breathing down her neck a little bit to see who the Ramp Girl is.

Nick: Cassidy as you roll down the driver's side window you get a look at the person who is looking to help you through this checkpoint. Their dark blue jumpsuit has a high collar and small black buttons down the center and you can see two gold pips on the collar denoting some sort of rank. They have high cheekbones and fine facial features. And their long blonde hair is up in an intricate crown braid and they are not wearing a hat but you can see that they're holding a rifle easily at their side as they give a smile that doesn't reach their eyes.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Well Hi. Welcome to Sasnak Traveling. What brings you here?

Sydney (as Cassidy): We're looking to make a couple of business contacts and spend some hard earned money.

Nick: They nod knowingly. The light on the ramp is dim enough that your eyes are still adjusting and Cassidy you have a moment of discomfort as they click on a bright flashlight in the hand not holding the rifle and start to shine it into the cab of the rig. You also see that they nod their head and some of the other guards are fanning out around the rig shining flashlights under it.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): All right, that's good to hear. We always encourage visitors to Sasnak to engage in business. If you could um, just do me a favor and state any contraband that you may have at this time. Any drugs, alcohol,

Penn (as Marathon): Dirt!

Penn: Marathon quickly slips a flask out of her pocket and tries to drink it down real quick.

Sydney (as Cassidy): I mean, I'm sure we've got a couple of bottles of alcohol somewhere in the back.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): That's okay, we don't confiscate, it's just a little bit more on the entry fee.

Penn (as Marathon): [dying from chugging too much of her mystery flask]

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Additionally, any commodity goods that may need to be factored into the economic plan, any large mechanics, any weapons of war, -

Nick: The flashlight shines and locks on Marathon's face, and she's forced to squint and hold up a hand.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): - any celebrities? Maybe sports stars?

Nick: And the flashlight clicks off. The corner of her mouth tweaks up and a grin that doesn't let you in on the joke and she waits for your answer.

Penn (as Marathon): Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

Penn: Marathon is trying to recover from the surprise of the flashlight, and she runs her hand over her hair, flipping her bangs back before the flop back on her face.

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah uh, I'm uh - Yeah, Marathon Messenger. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you, you recognize me.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): We have an updated roster.

Nick: And you can see the other guards have started to move away from the rig - doesn't look like they've seen anything too concerning. You notice that none of them attempted to look in the back of the rig at all. They were mostly looking for things hidden in and around it. And the person who's been talking to you says,

Nick (as Ramp Girl): We have an fairly up to date list of people who may be disruptive to the social order due to any particular fame.

Penn (as Marathon): [realizing this isn't a good thing] Oh.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): This includes people who have been here before, even if it's a minor disruption.

Sydney (as Cassidy): I suspect Marathon is more of a celebrity in different regions.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Yes, but everything must be considered. I'm sure you understand.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Sure.

Penn (as Marathon): So wait, are we paying like an extra tax on that? Or

Nick (as Ramp Girl): We'll make sure to do the total. If you could give me just a second. Let me confer with my other Ramp Girls and we'll be right back with you.

Penn (as Marathon): Shoot. Sorry, guys.

Sydney (as Cassidy): So quick to volunteer, Marathon.

Nick: Before they walk away they say,

Nick (as Ramp Girl): You mentioned a few bottles of alcohol? That's fairly minor any other trade goods or technology that you would wish to declare up front?

Sydney (as Cassidy): Several firearms and a couple of bladed weapons.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Okay, noted.

Cameron (as Emma): And a motorcycle and an exosuit and another motorcycle -

Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah, you can see the things hanging on the outside, but

Cameron (as Emma): - and another exosuit and a whole lot of mechanical bits and bobs.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah. I have a mechanical weapon staff thing.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): All right. Well, thank you for your fort rightness that saves us on time and therefore saves you part of the fee in the long run. We appreciate that. If you give me a few moments to speak to my commander and tally up a entry fee we'll get you certified and up to the garage.

Nick: And they turned to leave. You can see she is reaching into a back pocket and pulling a thin black notebook out and is starting to write with a pen as she walks back towards the group. Her posture as she walks away shows that she is very engaged in what she's doing, but weirdly the rest of this group of Ramp Girls is joking pushing on each other generally just kind of messing around. You get the impression of when you've walked through towns with bandit problems on the streets when the groups are comfortable enough to just stand out in daylight. It's the same feel of a rabbit walking into a wolves den. Everybody just seems to be watching you.

Birdie you notice this Ramp Girl walks over to a Ramp Girl behind the barrier sitting in what looks like a small toll booth but it's not connected to anything. And there's a thin man with a blond mop of fine golden hair looks like they might even be related. The officer knocks on the window and has a short conversation and you see the man in the booth pull out a radio and make a call while your Ramp Girl starts to tally up on a form on a clipboard hanging on the outside of this booth. The time feels like a long time. It's probably only a couple of minutes but sitting here in the semi dark with all of these armed people around, most of them paying close attention to you while appearing not to, it feels stressful. And Birdie as you're looking out the window, your Ramp Girl finishing up with the form, you see someone you recognize from your past. They have long braids with streaks of gray that you don't remember being there before. Several piercings, dark brown skin, and you notice on their uniform a shiny gold long pip - which you're pretty sure would be a lieutenant - someone not in charge of the entire organization but higher up in the rank than anyone else you've seen so far. And they appear to be talking to the Ramp Girl that was finishing up your tariff form.

Kit: Birdie makes a single very high pitch sound and rockets herself back into her seat from where she was breathing over Cassidy's shoulder before.

Cameron (as Emma): Are you okay?

Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah do you think we're gonna get charged extra if you see someone you have a crush on?

Kit (as Birdie): [whispering] No I don't - no.

Penn (as Marathon): [whispering] Oh is that the person?

Kit (as Birdie): [whispering] No, I don't know. No. They are. Nope. They we

Penn (as Marathon): Oh your voice is getting high.

Kit (as Birdie): [whispering] You~ [does start to get higher with the teasing]

Cameron (as Emma): She's actually doing a good job of controlling it right now, Marathon.

Penn (as Marathon): I know I was waiting. I was waiting for it to start raising though.

Kit (as Birdie): [whispering] I didn't realize that they were gonna be a lieutenant.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well it's been a few years.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah but it's really hard to get up there.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, maybe she's good at all these institutionalized shake downs.

Kit (as Birdie): [small laugh]

Penn (as Marathon): Which is even more intimidating, isn't it Birdie?

Kit (as Birdie): Ye- [squeaks in anger and realization] Shit fuck.

Cameron (as Emma): What the fuck?

Kit (as Birdie): Shut up Marathon!

Penn (as Marathon): Don't worry, we'll sell you well.

Kit (as Birdie): What?! No, we're not selling anything to anyone. We're not selling me to any anyone.

Kit: Birdie is going back and forth. She's glancing past Cassidy a little bit once or twice and then going back up and it's very comical to watch, honestly.

Sydney (as Cassidy): You know if you keep moving, maybe they'll see the motion.

Kit: Birdie stops breathing. Birdie stops so much that she stops breathing.

Cameron (as Emma): Okay, Birdie - breathe.

Kit (as Birdie): [whispering] If I don't move, they won't -

Nick: Birdie as you freeze with a prey response, you see this Lieutenant appears to be staring straight through the window at you. You're not sure if she can see from this distance, but you feel like you're making eye contact. And you notice that she's changed the color of her hair - it's red now. It used to be blue.

Kit (as Birdie): [freakout squeaks]

Cameron (as Emma): Breath Birdie.

Kit (as Birdie): [gasping breath] Ooo [cough]

Cameron (as Emma): Deep breaths.

Kit (as Birdie): [high and squeaky] No um, I'm fine. They're gonna, they're gonna do their job and we're just gonna be rolling on... [slightly panicked laugh]

Cameron (as Emma): Look me real quick.

Kit (as Birdie): Uh huh?

Cameron (as Emma): Okay. Your makeup looks fantastic.

Kit (as Birdie): Thank you. [giggle]

Cameron (as Emma): You got this. Just taking deep breaths and it all be fine and they're walking this way, so -

Kit (as Birdie): Oh okay [panicked laugh]

Cameron (as Emma): It's gonna be fine.

Kit (as Birdie): Why would you do that to me? Emma?? [crying emoji]

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Is there a reason that you're staring at my commanding officer?

Kit (as Birdie): No, no, I'm not. No, no what? No, I'm sorry. I'm from here. You know, just familiar faces, you know? [ false cheery laugh] Just, you know, reminiscing [somehow more false and more cheery laugh]

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Just a routine inspection. There's no reason to be nervous.

Kit (as Birdie): [oh there goes the nervous voice] I'm not nervous.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): Right. Well, is there a reason that I should interrupt Lieutenant Karma from her duty?

Kit (as Birdie): Oh, no, no, no.

Penn (as Marathon): I think so~.

Kit (as Birdie): Absolutely not.

Sydney (as Cassidy): [scolding] Marathon.

Cameron (as Emma): [tone implies "shut up"] Marathon?

Penn (as Marathon): [sigh]

Kit (as Birdie): There's no reason I am - I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I'm nervous to be home. I'm not nervous about this part. I'm just, you know, promise everything is great. Yeah.

Nick: She pauses, takes out the form that she had folded up into thirds, unfolds it, clicks a pen, writes a couple more things, folds it back up and hands it through the window to Cassidy.

Nick (as Ramp Girl): If you could just pay the entry tariff based on what you declared, we can get you through the gate and on your way. Appreciate your patience and cooperation.

Kit (as Birdie): Thank you~.

Sydney: Cassidy nods and then starts studying this form.

Nick: They have nickel and dimed the hell out of you. It's mostly done in thirds of triangles. The suit and the motorcycles are more. It looks like as a favor they waved quote in the form "a couple of bottles of alcohol". There is a quarter triangle charge for Marathon as extremely minor celebrity which was a line on the form with a checkbox that has been checked. But you did see at the bottom there was an other box that it appears they wrote an additional half triangle charge and put it through there. Overall entry is three triangles, which is pretty obscene.

Penn (as Marathon): What's the damage Cass?

Sydney (as Cassidy): A lot. Well, Birdie, you know, at least your your crush has a monetary value now that we're about to be paying.

Sydney: Cassidy reaches into the glove box to pull out the multi pocketed moneybag and starts filtering through. There's not a lot of haggling to do with the border guards and they have guns and also did not feel the need to look in the rig and that's kind of enough for Cassidy right now.

Nick: As you pass over the fee, the Ramp Girl makes a hand gesture for the form back from you.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Uh sure. What- what?

Nick (as Ramp Girl): It's just part of the procedure - have to do a couple more signatures, not to worry.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Okay.

Nick: She signs the bottom and tears part of it and you can see that it has multiple copies, handing a copy back to you and keeping a copy that she tucks into her shirt pocket. They smile, and this time it almost reaches her eyes, as they say,

Nick (as Ramp Girl): And welcome to Sasnak Traveling. If you continue up the ramp and take a right, there will be parking for your material. As a reminder, no firearms or blades longer than six inches are allowed in the city unless you're a citizen, so those will have to stay with your transportation. Some of my compatriots will meet you at the top and let you know what the parking fee is.

Nick: And the metal bar is pulled back clearing way for you to continue driving.

Sydney: Cassidy takes a deep breath. She is channeling so much patience and starts the rig up the ramp.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, they really want you to spend money here.

Cameron (as Emma): That's gonna be hard to spend money if they make you spend it all to get on.

Kit (as Birdie): That's the whole point.

Penn (as Marathon): Well, you've already spent so much to get here, you might as well spend more. I'm sure that's the idea.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, pretty much.

Nick: If any of you look in the rigs mirrors as you were driving through the checkpoint, you would notice that the Ramp Girl who checked you in is twiddling her fingers at you as you drive further as a sarcastic goodbye wave. And you would also notice that Lieutenant Karma is watching the rig thoughtfully as it continues further up the ramp.

Kit: Birdie thought about looking in the mirrors and then she stopped herself and is looking very decidedly through the front windshield.

Penn (as Marathon): I won't push it, but I just do want to say anytime I have been able to introduce you, there's zero losses in that column for you, Birdie.

Kit (as Birdie): There has been zero losses because of me.

Penn (as Marathon): Bir- I do agree.

Cameron (as Emma): Marathon next time let's not volunteer to see more law enforcement.

Penn (as Marathon): You know, you're right. I did - I did put my hand over my own mouth at that point once I realized what I was doing. I did not, you know, I'm not used to being on the this side of like custom of like border control, you know?

Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah, we're not, you know, celebrity All Star whatever teams, we have to follow all these stupid procedures and laws and [groans in fuck capitalism]

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah, apologies. I'm still learning the ropes. So

Sydney (as Cassidy): It's fine. We're almost there.

Kit (as Birdie): We're almost there. [nervous laugh] [sounds so overjoyed /s]

Cameron (as Emma): Do you think it's okay that I classified the Knight as an exosuit? [laugh]

Sydney (as Cassidy): That's probably fine. It's basically one.

Penn (as Marathon): I mean, it is.

Kit (as Birdie): That's what it is.

Cameron (as Emma): Yeah, that was my thinking. Okay.

Kit (as Birdie): They have no business asking, what, more questions than that. They already asked so many questions.

Cameron (as Emma): That's true.

Penn (as Marathon): Do you see I'm still an extremely minor celebrity?

Kit (as Birdie): That's...

Cameron (as Emma): Congrats?

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah. I don't know if you want that to be

Sydney (as Cassidy): Yet that minor celebrityness was worth less on our entry fee than Birdie's crush, so...

Kit (as Birdie): What?

Sydney (as Cassidy): Here's our turn.

Nick: There's a loud squeal as the ramp raises itself back off the ground with no other entries behind you. Your lead through a combination of directions spray painted on the walls and Ramp Girls giving hand gestures to a huge open area. It's big enough for a battleship to be dry docked, and there are thick metal garage doors lining both sides on multiple levels. A bored looking Ramp Girl, this one with a shaved head, decidedly more masculine, wearing some of the heaviest eyeliner you've ever seen, waits for you to roll down the window and without looking up from a magazine they're reading says,

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): It's two triangles to park. If you could just pay that now we'll give you a key. Vehicles aren't allowed beyond this point. If you're not a citizen, neither firearms or blades longer than six inches, but you are able to come back here for a nominal fee to access your equipment before leaving at any point. We're open from 5am to 10pm every day. Are there any questions? Otherwise pay the fee and sign here.

Penn (as Marathon): How much is a nominal fee to visit?

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Oh, it's a third of a triangle. It's basically free. I wouldn't worry about it.

Penn (as Marathon): Oof.

Nick: The Ramp Girl taps impatiently on a clipboard with one hand that is holding up towards the window while still reading the magazine and not making eye contact with you.

Sydney: How long does this first credit installment get us?

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Well this is short term parking. If you're intending to be here longer than a month we would need you to move to long term parking. We can of course do that for you for an additional fee. But

Sydney (as Cassidy): Can we start in long term parking?

Nick: The Ramp girl sighs, folds up the magazine.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): [sigh] Okay, look. Long term parking is open air hanging off the back. I'm assuming there's things in this rig you wouldn't want messed with, right?

Sydney (as Cassidy): Sure.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Right. Do you expect to be here longer than a month? Or do you think it's a possibility?

Sydney (as Cassidy): It is a possibility.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): All right. Well, I can help you out.

Nick: He inspects his nails, you notice that they're painted a iridescent black and green that shifts back and forth.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): I could do you a favor and forget to write down your entry date and suddenly your one month in protected parking would be basically indefinite as long as there wasn't a paper review, which there rarely are and I'm usually the one who does them. But there would be an additional fee paid for the operation, you understand?

Sydney (as Cassidy): No, of course.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Mhm. But if you were to slide me an extra couple of triangles,

Penn (as Marathon): [dying from the amount of money being spent]

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): - I could make that happen.

Cameron (as Emma): This is off topic, but I love your nail polish.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's pretty new. Um, there's a kiosk up in the main market. They've started selling different patterns. I think they imported them from somewhere, maybe from Mellowtone - I'm not sure. But I think it really works with what I'm trying to do with my eyes, you know?

Cameron (as Emma): Yeah.

Nick: And he looks up and for the first time since you have entered Sasnak gives a genuine smile. Emma, can you make me a Charm check, please? It is going to be hard, but you can have two blue die.

Cameron: All right and I'm going to flip a Story Point to upgrade, so I am rolling two yellow, two blue, and three purples.

[dice rolling]

Cameron: Two successes and a threat.

Nick: Okay. He smiles at the group.

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Look, you know those administrative fees, they're fairly negotiable when there's someone as - what if I put you down as, I don't know, an art grant for art appreciation? We'll, we'll be able to cut the fees. It's still the triangle for parking, but you could just pass me a third of a triangle and we could forget all the rest of it. How's that sound?

Nick: And he smiles that you'd like he is doing you the biggest favor in the world.

Cameron (as Emma): As long as I also get directions to that kiosk.

Nick: He nods and says

Nick (as Bored Ramp Girl): Oh, yeah, absolutely. We'll make sure that happens. I'll write it on your parking slip.

Cameron (as Emma): Thank you.

Sydney: As the total is being announced, Cassidy has already counting up the money knowing that this is the deal they're going to get and giving him the least amount of time to think more about and it's probably better.

Nick: The money vanishes as soon as you hand it over, you're not even sure where it went. You're given two RFID key cards and a slip of paper that has a number for one of these cubbies where you can park. On the back you see that the kiosk is called Gloss and Glow and appears to be partially down the main thoroughfare - seems like it would be pretty easy to find. And you work your way through this huge cavern within Sasnak and you can see that there are vehicles parked out in the middle, but there's a number for a private garage room and as you get close, there is somewhere to scan a keycard and a piece of the wall shifts upward. It is big enough to fit the rig and still be able to walk around the outside, although you would have to shimmy around the wheel wells. But it appears that this is a private area where you can lock up the rig and any things you're not allowed to bring into the city and it will be more secure than any other option you could possibly think of. You think the Knight would be safe here unattended or as safe as you can hope.

Penn (as Marathon): Well, we want to make the least amount of trips back here as possible because we'll lose a third of a triangle. Uh yeah, let's I don't know. Let's load up. If you guys need me to carry anything I'm happy to pack mule until we find a place to stay.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Well we have to -

Cameron (as Emma): Birdie do you count as a citizen?

Kit (as Birdie): Citizenship is a thing that you kind of like you pass tests you have to pay to take the tests and then you have to pay to take to get your license to be a citizen and then you have to pay a yearly thing and like every couple of years you have to get that renewed which costs more money so we just never got it when I was younger.

Penn (as Marathon): Dang.

Cameron (as Emma): Wow~.

Kit (as Birdie): Okay, there's a reason we were very poor. [laugh]

Cameron (as Emma): Yeah nope, I'm seeing it.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah...

Cameron (as Emma): Haven't even really made it in yet and I'm seeing it.

Kit (as Birdie): Well at the very least you didn't have to pay for reentry to the actual city when we are doing jobs for the Ramp Girls.

Penn (as Marathon): I am, I - y'all, I haven't been in a city that's begun so long, like even though we haven't seen too many people yet, I can feel feel the hum of people. I am so psyched.

Sydney (as Cassidy): And there's also the hum of engines.

Penn (as Marathon): Yes, of course.

Penn (as Marathon): But like, I don't know, there's just there's people in the air Cassidy.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, that's the guts.

Sydney: Cassidy is reluctantly unhooking her holster for the revolver off of her leg and starting to get things stowed away that can't be taken around.

Kit: Birdie's bringing both her hockey stick and to her Advantia stick.

Cameron: Emma is bringing the sports equipment.

Kit: All of Birdie's stuff is meant to fit into one pack anyways, besides the stick, so she's fine with all of her things at least.

Kit (as Birdie): Do you need us to carry anything Marathon?

Penn (as Marathon): No, I got it.

Penn: And Marathon has got like a huge backpack loaded up with stuff and she looks as eager as a boy scout to step out into the city.

Penn (as Marathon): Y'all ready?

Sydney: Cassidy takes a deep breath. Her radio headset is back on her face, because that's not contraband. She taps a couple of hidden knives on her person, not unarmed just without her gun, or her other gun.

Nick: And you all begin to slog back down the way that you drove. There is a sign marking an elevator exit and a square frame around an elevator door as you get close. And as you pass through that frame. Did anybody try to smuggle anything that was noted contraband?

Penn: Such as a gun or a blade longer than six inches?

Nick: Yep. Or any particularly powerful drugs - those would be the main things.

Kit: I don't think I did.

Cameron: No.

Sydney: Yep nah.

Nick: All right, well, so you all are able to walk through that frame. You don't hear any beeping. There's no alarms. The couple of Ramp Girls around there don't even bother to look up at you. And you enter this elevator - it's got a rusty metal grating floor that you can see down through into darkness. You're not sure where this goes, but as soon as you get on it begins to go up. And after a minute's ride, the doors pop open, and you are once again met with bright light as you find yourself on the main level of Sasnak Traveling. You are assailed by crowd noise and bustling and the smell of cooking food as you find yourself stepping on to the main thoroughfare in one of the bigger markets of the city.

Penn: Marathon looks around, has an almost giddy look on her face seeing all the people, takes a deep breath in.

Penn (as Marathon): Well, time to talk to some folks, find your sister right, Birdie?

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it's, um, gosh, what time is it? Um.

Penn: Marathon looks at her watch.

Penn (as Marathon): We're looking at around lunchtime - 11:30.

Kit (as Birdie): Okay, so I would say that we should probably find a place to set our stuff down because people are going to try and steal from you guys pretty, pretty fast. I know because I used to do it. So let's try and maybe find a place first to to stay and then

Penn (as Marathon): Oh I need eyes on the stuff.

Penn: Marathon tries to pat the back of the backpack and ends up - it almost looks like she's chasing her tail trying to reach everything and the back of the backpack.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah.

Cameron (as Emma): Marathon just walk in front of us.

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah just walking in front. Yeah, we'll find a place to stay, we can come back down to Merchants Alley and make sure that we have supplies and then and then yeah, we can you know, it'll be late. It'll be later by then. Maybe we can maybe start doing things too.

Sydney (as Cassidy): You know, if we go find one of your people, maybe they'll have place for us to stay that we don't have to pay for.

Penn (as Marathon): Oh yeah! Step one: homebase.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, I don't really - I mean, we - I mean, I know the way to the old place I used to say, but I doubt that anyone's there anymore.

Penn (as Marathon): Do you think it's a place we could stay now?

Kit (as Birdie): I have no idea. We could. I mean, I guess there's no harm in [clears throat] trying. We could go up there. And um

Kit: Birdie has her arms crossed over her chest and is twitterpated like tapping her foot. Just

Kit (as Birdie): Oh, yeah. Yeah, we can we can we can try there.

Penn (as Marathon): You alright Birdie?

Kit (as Birdie): Yes, yeah, I'm fine.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Do we? Do we need to slowly -

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah.

Sydney (as Cassidy): - take a step into town?

Kit (as Birdie): I'm fine. No, it's okay. I think that it's just, it's like nothing's changed. Ha ha ha.

Penn (as Marathon): Let's fine somewhere quiet, Birdie.

Kit (as Birdie): No, it's I mean, no where- no where is quiet here. Honestly, the the eaves are probably the best that I mean, like built the towers. The towers are going to be your best bet anyways, so we can

Penn (as Marathon): The Eaves? Talkin' like a local.

Sydney (as Cassidy): Marathon, I don't know if you know this - Birdie actually grew up here.

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah, exactly. I'm just hey, I'm just really enjoying Sasnak right now.

Cameron (as Emma): Already?

Sydney (as Cassidy): I'm tired of all of these people around us already. So let's pick a direction.

Penn (as Marathon): Yeah, you'd lead the way Birdie.

Cameron (as Emma): All right Birdie, lead the way.

Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, let's go.

Nick: And Birdie reluctantly leads her new family closer towards her old.

[hurdy gurdy music swells]


Penn (as Marathon): Welcome back folks, you’re tuned to Going the Distance: Traveler’s Guide on road dial 1558. That’s a wrap on today’s log and we’re set to loop after these considerations. Further detail for the following is cataloged in the show notes.

This has been A Knight of Shreds and Patches, an actual play podcast using the Genesys game system from Fantasy Flight Games. The show is edited by Sydney Whittington, and features the talents of:

Kit Adames as Birdie. Kit can be found on Twitter and Instagram @ venusvultures. Kit is also a voice actor for Elevator Pitch Podcast, a queer genre-hopping anthology podcast that can be accessed on Spotify and YouTube.

Penn Van Batavia as Marathon. She can be found on Twitter @ acquiredchaste and in drag as horror king JOHN on Instagram @ Penn is an indie TTRPG designer whose most recent work includes SLICE IT OUT, a grisly carving RPG about cutting pieces of yourself out to fit in. Check out faer other work at

Sydney Whittington as Cassidy. Sydney can be found on our Discord server, which is linked in the show notes, and on Twitter @ sydney_whitt. She’s also a contributing editor and occasional guest player for the Orpheus Protocol, a cosmic horror espionage actual play podcast.

Cameron Robertson as Emma. Cameron can be found on Twitter @ midnightmusic13 and on Instagram @ reading_and_dreaming. Cameron is also a player on Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars Edge of the Empire actual play podcast.

And Nick Robertson as narrator. Nick can be found on Twitter @ alias58. Nick is also the GM for Tabletop Squadron. Nick can also be found as a player on the Orpheus Protocol.

This podcast features the musical talents of Dora Violet and Arne Parrott. You can find Dora at You can find Arne at

The official artwork for this podcast was created by Rashed AlAkroka, who can be found on Instagram and Artstation @ rashedjrs.

You can follow the Patina on Twitter @ akosap_podcast or visit the website: To further support the show, consider joining the Patreon at, where we’ll be bringing you weekly content including bonus episodes, campfire conversations, and other fun rewards.

Until you tune back…

…stay bold and stay kind


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